


for a moment i was feeling like i had you (didn't wanna leave, i had to)

by countingto15



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Porn, Canon Compliant, Henry Pov, M/M, Mid-Canon, Post-Lake House Incident, Pre-Alex Storming Kensington
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:07:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29689266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/countingto15/pseuds/countingto15
Summary: “I want you so much.”Henry’s own voice is louder than he expected, but Alex doesn’t seem to mind. He reaches his fingers over to Henry’s chin, and Henry can sense he’s about to try to kiss him, so he gently pulls away.He won’t try again, Henry thinks.“I want you, too,” Alex responds, but it sounds different when he says it. It sounds open and so wanting, like he’s hiding nothing at all.When Henry told Alex he wanted him, he meant, touch me. Don’t take your hands off of me. Fuck me.Henry knows Alex meant something else. But they said the same words. So it’s okay. Everything is blue, and it’s okay...
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 11
Kudos: 64





	for a moment i was feeling like i had you (didn't wanna leave, i had to)

**Author's Note:**

> title from 3:15 by bazzi 🖤 🌌

Everything is blue, dark blue, and Henry can tell the curtains are open, but it’s the middle of the night. He’s lying down, his stomach pressed against the sheet of his bed, staring intently at the pillow beneath his face.

Everything is blue, and Alex is behind him. Henry isn’t looking at him, but he knows. He knows because he’s too familiar with Alex’s skin, and with the weight and warmth of Alex’s body. He’s too familiar with the gentle but sure fingers that reach for the sides of his shoulders, and slide down. Down to his waist, down to the sides of his hips. The room is cold, but Alex’s touch is warm. And so is his voice when he speaks.

Everything is blue, but Henry feels safe in it, and Alex asks him, right near his ear, “Do you like this?” 

Henry likes that only he can hear him. He nods, and whimpers slightly, even though Alex is barely touching him. Maybe it’s the feeling of Alex’s thigh pressing up against his own. Henry doesn’t remember undressing.

Alex kisses the back of Henry’s neck and holds him close. He has one arm around Henry’s waist and one slipping between his legs, past his ass and over his balls and caressing the side of his dick with two fingers like they’ve got all the time in the world. 

Alex isn’t speaking now, but he’s breathing, and Henry can hear him, and that’s enough. 

“I want you so much.” 

Henry’s own voice is louder than he expected, but Alex doesn’t seem to mind. He reaches his fingers over to Henry’s chin, and Henry can sense he’s about to try to kiss him, so he gently pulls away. _He won’t try again_ , Henry thinks.

“I want you, too,” Alex responds, but it sounds different when he says it. It sounds open and so wanting, like he’s hiding nothing at all.

When Henry told Alex he wanted him, he meant, touch me. Don’t take your hands off of me. Fuck me. 

Henry knows Alex meant something else. But they said the same words. So it’s okay. Everything is blue, and it’s okay, because Alex is slipping into Henry effortlessly now, and he’s going slow, and the truth is Henry likes that, but if he goes slow, Henry knows it won’t be okay anymore. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And Henry _wants_ it to be okay, so he tries to pick up the pace himself and Alex responds perfectly. He keeps pushing himself up to meet Alex in the middle, keeping his eyes on his pillow and on the bit of wall in front of him all the while.

Henry can hear both of their bodies coming into contact over and over again, and Alex groans and it turns Henry on to an embarrassingly high degree, and Alex notices. He reaches over to wrap his fingers around Henry’s cock. Henry shifts out of the way of Alex’s hand.

“Let me. Please. For you.” 

Henry can feel Alex’s heart breaking in the air around them, but he tries to pretend he doesn’t as he says, “It’s okay, see?” and puts his own hand where Alex tried to put his. 

“Okay,” Alex says, and he sounds sad, so Henry tries to ignore, ignore, ignore it.

And it seems to work, because Henry is able to focus on the building heat inside of him, the intense, pulsing, throbbing build. 

And he moans with his mouth closed as he comes and feels it dripping down his palm.

When he laughs just a little, Alex smiles. Henry isn’t looking at him, but Alex smiles, and he knows. And Alex comes inside Henry soon, and Henry feels happy about it for the most fleeting second until Alex reaches for his chin again, and it’s almost like Henry isn’t in control of his body when he pulls his head away. Alex tries again, and Henry pulls away harder this time, turning his face all the way to the left, staring at the side of his room.

Everything is blue, and a drop of wetness falls onto Henry’s skin, near his shoulder.

All of a sudden, a thought hits Henry, and he scans the sheets around him. He can’t find any lube. And as Alex pulls himself out of him, something feels wet, but it’s from Alex. It’s his cum. 

They didn’t use a condom. They don’t do that. 

Alex isn’t really here.

Henry needs to kiss him.

So he finally tries to turn his head to face him, but all he catches is a glimpse of Alex’s arm, and it’s so fucking beautiful but it isn’t what he needs, but he feels himself coming back into consciousness, this moment slipping out of his grasp, so he tries to kiss it anyway, panicking, heart hammering, but he’s awake.

The last thing he remembers thinking in the dream is that maybe he should ask Alex to wait, just for a second, but realizing it wouldn’t work, because this is his fault.

Henry reaches for his neck, and as he feels dryness where there was a wet drop just moments ago, becomes aware it was a tear. He wraps his arms around his head and presses his face into the pillow. 

Everything is blue. Maybe it’s because Alex isn’t here. Maybe it’s because Henry loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys I hope you're all doing well and if u aren't doing too great I'm sending u a fat cuddle and all my support, and I hope u liked this fic <3


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